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Fighting Myself

Fighting Myself

Added By

Restless Heart
Male · 56 · United States of America
1 Year Ago
Category: General

Fighting Myself

I’m struggling with myself.  I’ve been married to a very good woman for a long time but I’m fighting an internal battle. In all my life I’ve only had one girlfriend and I married her. I didn’t seek her out‚ it just sort of happened.

Before I met her I’d only been out on about three real dates in my entire life. And to tell the truth I’ve only kissed about six girls in my life‚ but three of those were in the same night while playing a teenage game of blindfold.

I’m not a bad looking guy. In fact‚ I’ve been told that I’m kind of cute. But I’m quite shy around girls I think are attractive.  So I’ve never been with a cute girl and I’m finding myself increasingly depressed over never having lived life. I’ve just been passing through it.

I feel very bad about it‚ but I’m finding my mind wandering to the desire to be with a cute girl for just a small amount of time in my life. I don’t want a one night stand type of thing though. I want someone who thinks and acts like a lady‚ someone who is sweet‚ compassionate and caring.  Someone who would like to know me and someone I could take pleasure in knowing. Even though I’m not exactly a spring chicken anymore‚ you’d think that in a huge city like Los Angeles I’d run across someone like that who’d be willing to make a new friend of someone like me and accept my situation‚ at least for a while. It’s never happened though. My type seems to be very rare.

Maybe I’m out of step with society‚ but I don’t like tattoos at all.  I think it’s almost like putting graffiti on the natural beauty of the skin. It’s the same with me for most body piercings too. I don’t like foul language either.

I guess all that makes me an odd person in today’s society. I’m a nice married guy who wants to do something he shouldn’t do with a nice‚ cute‚ petite girl. It doesn’t make sense‚ even to me‚ but I can’t help the thoughts and feelings I’m fighting.  I just don’t know what to do to beat them. I want to be just the kind of person I think I should be‚ but I’m really struggling with the desire to live life a little. I’ve never known passion‚ but part of me desperately wants to.