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The Frog Dirty Jokes & Sex Funnies · The Frog · A guy goes to see the doctor‚ because he's been a little too well endowed‚ shall we say. In fact‚ it's 25 inches long. Can't get any women to have sex with him. No men either‚ one would think. Anyway‚ the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically‚ but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help. Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond‚ deep in the forest‚ and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no‚ you'll be 5 inches shorter." Worth a try‚ he thinks‚ and off he dashes into the forest‚ as anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side‚ sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog. Frog looks at him‚ disinterested at best‚ and calls back‚ "No." Guy looks down‚ sure enough‚ he's 5 inches shorter. Hey‚ this is great‚ he thinks - let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog. Frog rolls his eyes‚ and shouts back again‚ "No!" Twitch -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit excessive‚ he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again‚ "Will you marry me?" Frog yells back‚ "Look - how many times do I have to tell you? No. No. NO!" Hope This is OK... Hope This is OK... · Erotic Couplings · I work 3rd shift, she thinks I'm staying over tonight, working a 12hr. shift. Truth is, I left early. It's about :20 after 2 am. I'm parked on the street, not in front of our house but down the way just a few driveways from ours. Currently I'm pondering what it is I'm about to do. I'm either a deviant genius or demented derelict fool. See, yesterday while she shopped, I made preparations. I left a basement window unlocked and barely open. On the window's frame a few dog treats rest. Intended to quickly quiet the beast, he's also the reason I parked down the street. I also prepped the bed, using a Figure-of-Eight Hitch knot, I secured one end of a roughly 4' length of 18mm 3 strand spun polyester rope to each of the bed frame's feet. I then tied a Multiple Scaffold Knot in each remaining end which should quickly and tightly secure wrists and ankles. The length of each anchoring line should provide slack enough to toss, turn and writhe about, while lacking only inches from being necessary length to free one's self. The last trick which I literally have up my sleeve. Is a beautifully constructed silken sack the darkest of dark blue just thick enough to ensure only darkness is seen through with a nice little spring loaded clip to lock the drawstrings good and tight. I think as blinding hood, it will be just right. Ok, made it through the window stealthy as I could the dog barely growled before frantically snatching the treats I tossed all at once, then recognizing me. I tip toe up the stairs to the kitchen and make my way toward the second stairway the one that leads to the second floor. Careful to skip the squeaky 2nd, 5th and top steps then, sticking to the far left side of the hall, again avoiding known faults in the floor. I now stand at the foot of the bed taking in the curves of her body's silhouette, I love her so. Her shapely form turned shadow by the faint blue glow eminating from the television, the title screen to the music channel she's left on to drown out the nightly noises of our quaint little town. Quietly, methodically I get to work, slowly sliding one Scaffold knot over her hand and drawing it tight but, not too tight. Her terrified tugging will cinch it fully. Like a hangman's noose constricts around a condemned neck. I work my way from corner to corner positioning each limb with 1/4" movements as not to wake her. The process goes quicker and easier than I had hoped. Now for the final step of prep and the first step of either an extraordinarily erotic experience or an utterly epic fail. Silk pouch scrunched and held widely open I quickly, and to my surprise, smoothly slide it over her head tighten drawstrings and secure with clip. I promptly step back. Her reaction is slow, much slower than I had imagined, she reaches to remove the hood and realizes she's bound she pick's up one leg then the other after which she lies motionless for a long 5 seconds. Then, all at once flails and starts screaming. Shit, the screaming I had not counted on. Fast as I could I grabbed the T.V.'s remote turned the music channel to Metal, increased the volume to match that of her hollering and plop my ass in the chair that's always half covered with clothes, sitting there beside the dresser. My actions cause her to freeze, then slowly turn her head. She's scanning the room for sounds of a person or person's I deduce. Then, more flailing, this time no screaming so I lower the volume. Again she takes an audible scan of the room. I'm watching intently, my pulse and mind racing. Vividly imagining the potential steps to follow. She attempts to sit up. I'm actually a little surprised at how close she gets. She rolls right, then left, both attempts she nearly reaches stomach and face down position but only with one arm awkwardly stretched across her back and her legs crossed. With the animation of a child's temper tantrum she slams all for limbs to the bed and loudly huffs. Again, she's still. I think the panic is giving way to reasoning and troubling thought. She is wearing a nearly see through night gown I bought at Vicky C's her last birthday. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't erect. I stand up slowly, grabbing the scissors from atop the dresser as I do. Her head pops up turns to face me and for a sec I swear she's looking right at me. I say nothing. Her legs are closed tightly her head still lifted off the bed and in a nervous and obviously scared voice she says,"Who's there? Untie me you Cocksucker!." Again flailing then hollering, " God damn it you let me go! Who are you? What the fuck do you think your gonna do?" I step to bedside, her hooded head tracks me. Swiftly, harshly, I place my hand over her mouth, she half ass kicks and tries to swing fists. I shake her head a little and place scissor's edge at her throat's base. She stops fighting. Calmly I let out a long exaggerated "Shhhhhhhhhh", then step to the foot of the bed, admiring how fucking sexy the scene is for a moment. Then I quickly get on the bed straddling her legs just below her knees and coincidentally the hem of her nighty. She squirms and twists but her legs are locked there below my cock. She cusses me," You son of bitch get off me! Get off! To which I reply with loud aggressive "Shhh!!" I place the scissors on her knee delicate fabric between blades I cut *snip* and advance onto her thigh, *snip* and a shrap nervous inhale from her, *snip*snip* now half way up thick, creamy white thigh she writhes frantically, with fear and anger in her voice she orders me, "Stop, Stop right now! Damn it!" I say nothing. I make no noise at all, I simply place the scissors on the other knee *snip*she's thrashing wildly, grunting and moaning as she does. *Snip*snip* her struggling continues. I place the scissors in my back pocket. I grip the nighty on either side of the left slit and *r-i-p* the shock halts her tantrum. The reality of now being fully exposed sets in instantly. Also changing her hostility to humbled begging , "Please, please don't do this." I couldn't be any harder. I grab opposite slit and *r-i-p* simultaneously slippin my straddle over her knees pinning now trembling thighs. She's scared, badly. I'm a bit scared too, because I'm so turned on and she's so fucking hot, I might need to stop before irreparable damage is done while my sick ass is having fun. I hop of the bed she tracks my moves this time with an unlifted roll of her head. Again, I take a few long seconds to admire my work, her body and the fantasy we're now in. I sit back in the chair and begin untying my boots. With a shakey voice she ask,"what's going on? What are you doing?" I make no sound but toss my first boot as to bounce it off her thigh, she quiets. The second boot I toss towards her cooch. It lands decent, toe down heel up the outer nubs of the aggressive treads found at boots heel hanging off bald lips, applying slight pressure, a discomfort to which her response is a sexy, swift inhale through closed teeth. I undo my belts buckle and begin pulling it loop by loop off my waist. The sound gives way to her head lifting and tipping as she strains to identify any and all noises that pass her lobes. Folding belt buckle to tip I swing it through the air gently and clap belts loop across supple, sensuous breast's. She barely flinches and remains sillent. I do it again, with slightly more speed, straight across little pink nipples, her alabaster skin rapidly reddening two belt width stripes across her lovely, lovely chest. Quiet, motionless I chuckle a bit internally as I realize this is her protest, play dead and offer me none of the usual pleasure inducing struggle. We'll see... Sliding pants and boxer briefs past knees to floor and after shirt is pulled overhead I stand at the ready. I cup her beautiful, bald pussy as a baseball player might adjust his cup slider to steal a base. Then, keeping hand cupped I mildly slap that clam first twice, then twice again, then with a little more velocity and force I slap that bald cunt once...twice she hollers I instantly cover here mouth and continue slapping that box 3...4..5.6mid swing of the 7th I bend two middle fingers at first knuckle planning to rub lips and clit and maybe excite her pussy enough get wet. Shit, bet its already wet and my two fingers have already started the: plunge in, curl upwards, retreat then rapidly repeat cycles they like so well. Removing my mouth covering hand, reacquiring belt and the finger fucking now halted. *slap*slap* Belt graces each thigh seperatly. Stepping to the foot of the bed I rest folded belt vertically down center of her chest, buckledropping towards taint as if, it too has longed to cup that shaved wet pussy for days, weeks, even months maybe. I grip her ankles and pull. She slides till arms are lightly pulled against by taunt ropes. The adjustment leaves her knees skyward, heels dug into matresses end while her taint and it's two fuckable neighbors sit maybe 10 inches from the beds edge. Sliding the chair to a position directly parallel to that tantalizing twot. I have a seat, place hands on inner thighs with my thumbs I open pussy lips wide and pin them to her thighs My first thought was to penetrate and tongue fuck her. But, instead I gently made out with her rather large and sensitive clit. Tonguing it, sucking it, licking it till I noticed how wet my face had become. Damn she came. I slap that pussy one mercilessly hard time. She squeels in a pitch that's new to me. Climbing on to the bed, then on to her I quickly, forcefully slap each of tits 4 or 5 times she's wimpering a bit but definitely submissive at this point. Now I sit straddling her hips my dick flopped on her stomach just below her tits. If not for the slight trembling of her shoulders, telling me she's crying, she'd be motionless. Her head is sharply twisted to the right, that is til I take hold and guide her chin, positioning it at center. She starts to twist right, I slap left cheek, she twists left, I slap right cheek. Again I grab chin and center it. She appears to get the point and holds head steady. Her whimper has turned more to light panting then anything. I take a moment to admire her slightly heaving bosom. Noting that hood is kind of sexy with it nearly black silky sheen contrasting her ivory white skin. I then firmly place cupped hand over nose and mouth she pauses as if accepting it for a brief moment. Then, the struggle ensues. She thrashes about, to no avail. I'm planted squarely over her hips, the ropes are doin there job splendidly, hand still firmly on face I lean towards ear and calmy,"SHhhhh, shhh Shhh". She's out. She lies there... still... peaceful. Placing ear to chest, heartbeat's slow, but there. Removing hand reveals shallow but steady breathing rate. Wasting no time I slide my hips between milky thighs, my cock penetrates her still wet pussy and takes a couple slow deliberate strokes, as if lining up a billiards shot pulling the third stroke back till dick's tip is out but softly kissing lips. Then with all the drive i can muster I ram hard throbbing cock to pussy like I'm trying to pierce steel. The moment pelvic bone collides with the back if those ample thighs, a gasping inhale of breath and she's back. She's groggy at first, I haven't let up, I make every stroke as long and as hard as I can leaving no gap of time between times in an out that gap. A dozen or so hate fuck style thrusts and she's alert, squirming and trying to counter the thrusts but, I'm on her like a bull rider. Her movements are limited by the ropes so they become predictable and I easily continue my pelvic assault much to her frustration. I slow my attack. She slows her defense. I sense it's a break needed by both. I'm leaned back now, wieght on knees, I press thumb to clit. She shivers a bit, in a counter clockwise motion I circle it. Using force but just enough, careful not to over due it. Occasionally I slip thumb straight over the top of now swollen and hard clit. She's silently undulating her hips. Then, as if realizing she had succumb, she's pissed! "Get the fuck off me, you piece of shit! I'll fucking kill you! Untie me mother fuc-KER!" The last syllable sounding unnatural. Shit, if we're being honest a bit demonic. My response, slap tit... hard, as if bruising was my intent. Then, I grab hold of throat not bothering to center head, not necessary, my grip is good she's gasping already. I'm repositioning already too. I've released my grasp of her throat on the verge of pass out and rolled her over to her right. Which realy do the restraints means I've twisted her a bit. Her shoulders lack the slack to roll even a little. Her belly button has made to about the 3 o'clock position. Her hips just make it to verticle and do to the twisted crossing of her legs. I had to slide my outstretched first foot and leg through her legs like stepping through a vertical hole in a chainlink fence. I'm there now, pretty dick in prettier pussy. Straddling left thigh, her whimpering again I slap her tit then one after the other I pinch her nipples...hard and pull...hard then, slap the top of the two tittie stack hard, more whimpering, again harder, sniffling alittle coughing, again hard af I throw a quick palm across her cheek, for good measure, on my return swing. Crying now. I give her thick ass a hard slap too. Then start pounding the fuck out of her like before strokes as long and as hard as possible with jack rabbit speed and a firm grip on both her shoulder and that top tit. Pulling as much as my cock is drilling. For whatever reason I'm suddenly aware of the animalistic, primal and somehow sexy sounds filling the room. A chaotic mix of cries, booty clapping, heavy breathing, bed spring creeking, palm slapping flesh cleanly. Totally fucking hot.... Maybe ya had to be there. Unintentionally and out of pure pleasure driven passion I blurt out, "mmmm D, Fuck! I'm gonna cum!." Her body quickly tightens and freezes. I imagine her brain is recoiling, suddenly faced with the notion it's me and has been me all along. I'd guess her mind is trying to systematically change every second of still freshly traumatizing experience into something acceptable. I've slowed my pace but, still fucking giving it to her good. I lean forward, loosen The spring loaded drawstring lock and pull hood just high enough to reveal those lucious lips then, kiss her. She's tentative at first. In fractions of a second though, she's convinced and kisses me more passionately, feverishly than ever before. I pull away from the kiss, "I'm gonna cum D!" I shout through now labored breathe as I remove the hood she blinks a time or two, eyes wide her mouth lunges and locks on mine. "Oh, shit" I say internally as I feel her Kiegel muscle grip my dick like a python constricting on prey. I hold my cock balls deep. I'm one twitch from cumming when she grabs my bottom lip between her now clenched teeth. Incredible pain as we simultaneously release our lustfull loads. Both our eyes seem to be reflected images of our lover's eyes rolled back in thier head. With a mandatory couple slight tugs from her muscular little cunt and few involuntary twitches of my hips. She releases my now bleeding lip. I can't say I didn't deserve that yet, still enjoyed it immensely. I collapse half on half off of her now quivering body. We both roll a bit to straighten her twist. I'm laying to her side cradling her head with both arms, kissing her temple softly between slightly panting breathes. With out a word she begins sobbing, so many tears, so much convulsing. "I fucked up... shit...D... I fucked up, I'm sorry...D" I'm stammering, I am starting to panic, "D, talk to me...Are you ok?...Please say something" And she says.... "How did you know? How did you pull it off? Fuck... I love you! Busty milfs USA Only · Busty milfs · Where have all the gorgeous Milfs‚ mommies‚ cougars and mature women in OC gone too... I used to have so much fun in this town with a couple of women but not recently. Ever since I've moved back its been a baron wasteland of dumb sluts with high waisted a jean shorts with your ass cheeks hanging out. Thats just gross... have so‚ e respect and leave something to the imagination.... Wellll someone shoot me a message soon Moranbah MILFs needed! 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